The Heart Wants What It Wants

So, I just saw this draft of mine from 2015 and it’s freaking 6 years ago. Maybe back then I really don’t know yet what to put into this blog, I really don’t know how this works as I was single at that time and now I am married and I have a baby. Probably, I know now what this phrase is all about.

I don’t know but I have always been a fan of redemption, I honestly believe that being good is natural to us, humans, I always choose to see the good in people because I don’t want to whack my brain with whys and what ifs. It just so happened also that I have lived this phrase, my heart wants what it wants and it got what it wanted. Fighting for the love I have for this person is not really easy, a lot of judgement came along with it. A lot of discriminating eyes used to look at me, maybe until now but I just don’t really care about it at all, many people don’t know what a person is going through or has gone through, and it is never our obligation to explain everything to them. It  is a common thing in the world right now to speak about something or throw opinion about stuff we really don’t know everything about, we judge based on surface.
What will hurt the most is that sometimes when the pain is just too excruciating, we want to believe this people around us. They tend to win over our minds and we look at ourselves the same way they see us. I am telling you now, STOP! It will never do you good to wrap yourself with sadness and self-pity, when I experienced such, what I practiced is strengthen my faith, do everything with prayers, and make the powerful One above as your guide. I seek guidance and strength to get through everything. I lift everything which is heavy to Him for I know: He won’t neglect me, He won’t abandon me, and He will walk with me. True enough, I survived lowest of low, those moments I am not half-through the tunnel, those times all I see is just darkness, and those days I have no will to live anymore. I actually don’t know where I get the strength to never ask Him “why?”, what I asked instead is: “Am I a bad person to deserve this?”
And those who truly love me came to the rescue, little by little they helped me realize who needed what I follow all along the most, it is myself. I need to see the good in me because it has always been there, it is covered by the shadow of judgements I received from people who knows nothing about my life. 
What I have right now is a grateful heart, I am thankful for all the lessons my experiences taught me and I know it won’t stop here. As long as I am living, I will learn new things, learn new lessons, and will uncover aspects of this surprising and wonderful life.

What I can advice is this cliché: “Follow your heart” but it doesn’t end there, follow it with God’s guidance. I believe you will naturally know what to do when you let Him guide it. Sometimes, us humans tend to control our lives so much and we always depend on our own understanding, we forget there are things our worldly hearts and minds cannot comprehend, which is why we must always seek His presence in our lives for He loves us and we should love Him back. ♥ 

 

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DISCLAIMER: Photos not mine. No copyright intended.

God Moves in Amazing Ways

After contemplating which topic I will write about again for so long, I now decided and pick this very inspiring one. Know that I am not perfect in my religious ways but through this I hope I can be a living testament that God moves in such amazing ways.

With this pandemic, the whole world is going through, most of us might be on the verge or already feeling hopeless and I think that’s the most normal reaction in this situation. I, myself, had that moment I asked God how can I make myself feel better. Then I make use of the time spent and spending at home to be active with my spiritual aspect through watching weekly online mass, and then I received God’s answer through these masses’ homilies. I remember the first time I watched an online mass, I just had an argument with my hubby-to-be a day before, I just kept on telling him “I am tired” and I don’t want to talk to him, he cried as he is not used to seeing me like that. On that day, the mass’ homily is about being exhausted, and God tells us to rest in Him, lift all your heart’s burden to Him, and it is truly alright to get tired from time to time. I suddenly felt lighter that day, my heart bursts with love and forgiveness for my partner and for myself. I tell to myself, God really do something when we needed it most, His miracles are always with us. Second incident of His amazing ways is when I feel so lonely, maybe pregnancy hormones, but there’s this moment in my life where I don’t know why I suddenly feel sad and after almost a week of feeling that way, here comes Sunday mass and the homily is about us not being alone for God resides in our hearts and He is always with us. I felt the comfort, I felt the sudden joy inside me though a guilt strike as well given that I forgot I have Him in my heart so why should I feel I am alone. Truly, God answers to our worries. Last scenario I have is just today, these past few days I feel I am not doing enough for God, sometimes I felt like I am not praying enough, I felt like I am unworthy of His blessings especially when I forget to pray, I felt so much guilt when I pray at night and I woke up wondering if I finished my prayer or not and then  today’s homily is about recognizing your faith no matter how small it is and keep in mind the scripture Matthew 17:20 “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, move from here to there, and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”
In addition to this gospel, the priest also shared a story about his Spiritual Director back on his seminary days, he told his SD that he feels like he’s not doing enough and his SD responds: You might be being too much on yourself more than how God is being tough on you. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Also, I want to share these testaments I have with friends on how God provides in the most unexpected ways.
Let’s face it that nowadays budgets are tight, some of us are having a hard time making ends meet. Most of the workers lose jobs, some doesn’t received their whole pay due to this pandemic. Indeed, it is so hard to live these days given the scarcity of income and supplies but then isn’t it amazing that we are all surviving each day, especially those who are able to eat three meals a day. I guess that’s how resilient we are despite all the problems we are facing. I would like to acknowledge the fact that God really provides especially when we’re feeling lost and hopeless.

There are these days I feel like our budget won’t be enough for a month and then I learned how to do a monthly budget plan, I lists incomes and all the bills and expenses that needs to be settled within each month and I am always at awe knowing everything will be covered and I put my worry away because I know worrying about something that God already answered will just stress me out.
Also, I have this friend who has the same testimony as I am, she told me that despite being under this pandemic for so long, she is still grateful for she still has her job and she was able to budget her money wisely, nowadays she covers her family’s needs along with her brother and save some for future use from her salary. I am just so happy that she agrees with my realization that God always provides as she also experienced it.
Finally, just yesterday I had a chance to chat with a friend because I got curious when she posted “Thank God!” on her Facebook profile, I teased her “ayuda ba yan?” (is it financial help?) she answered yes. I had a chat with her before that specific post and she’s been vocal that life is harder nowadays as she really doesn’t have a stable source of income and she supports her whole family. I can feel her thankful heart when she’s telling me how God answered her calls and again, it’s not just me but three of us who proves that God always provide and most times in unexpected ways.

I feel so ecstatic having this means to share my joy on how God moves in amazing ways. It’s such a happy feeling to experience it first hand and knowing other people experiences it too. For sure there are occasional bad days in our lives but remember that God is always with us, we just have to be patient, kind, and appreciative.

 

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DISCLAIMER: Photos not mine. No copyright intended.

Nobody’s Favorite

To be someone’s favorite must be a nice feeling but I really can’t justify how, because I see myself as nobody’s favorite, and you know what’s bizarre about it is I am kind of cool with that.

Looking back down memory lane, I sort of felt like I became someone’s favorite but in an only certain period of time like a week, or a day and not a long-time and consistent kind of way. I kinda felt someone’s day won’t be complete without talking to me or seeing me or maybe they just don’t have a choice. Haha.
I think to be someone’s favorite gives a person a lot of pressure because you have to be in a certain way or view that someone is seeing you. I may be wrong here because I really consider myself nobody’s favorite and I kinda dunno how should that really be or felt.
I deem being alone and happy at the same time is actually a big thing for human beings because we tend to associate loneliness to being alone, and it kind of overpower the thought that alone time is really needed from time to time and it helps us breath new air for ourselves. Being alone helps us discover something new about ourselves that nobody, even us, don’t know or see, and sometimes this small self-uncovering is pretty helpful in our personal growth and mind health.

Why I consider myself nobody’s favorite?

I am usually the one to organize get-together with friends and sometimes got disappointed because some won’t make it and it will eventually get cancelled. Don’t get me wrong here though, I understand the walk of life of an adult so I get over it pretty quick. It’s just that I was rarely invited to anything I don’t organize myself.
I am not the first choice most of the time. I remember someone told me, during primary school days, “it’ll look better if [name of my classmate] push through with that parade” because I substituted as Ms. Singapore in United Nation celebration of our school.
I tried doing things I think I am good at, and ended up losing interest because people will tell me “it’s not good”, “it’s too plain”,  “others are better”.
I am always slammed by “You are not enough” when I already tried my best and everything that I have and all I could be.

These things made me strong along the way so I am blessed to have experienced it. I am grateful for those knockdowns because without those I won’t know how to strengthen myself. I see failures now as a chance for me to do better or to let go easily, I tend to understand now that some things are really not meant to be, and one must not feel down if so, because I believe that if the omnipotent One above did not allow it, surely there is something better and it has purpose.

Faith is one factor why I live so positively now, it is the belief that someone more powerful will always be there and He won’t let anything harm me. It’s waking up everyday with hope and thankful for a new day so I may be nobody’s favorite but I like myself and that’s what matters.

 

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DISCLAIMER: Photos not mine. No copyright intended.

Peace: A Great Present for Yourself

As we hit adulthood, peace is kind of elusive, it is something so hard to find due to everyday stress we encounter at home, at work, everywhere. We always hear people rant about transportation problems, about expensive goods, about life simply but beneath all these not so good circumstances in our everyday, we all crave for something more quiet and serene. And that is why we are all busy humans, chasing and always after a peace of mind.

However, peace is not something to be chased because it is something to choose. Sometimes, we’re too busy dwelling on life’s negativity, we forget to appreciate small things and at some point these’ll lead us to what we’re honestly after. Peace has different notion per human being, for me it can be drinking coffee in front of beach waves sitting on a weaved lounge chair and then for others it can be drinking wine while seated on a cushy couch listening to  a soft music.

Peace, for me, changes from time to time, some years ago I can say that I attained it whenever I go to a spa and have my usual routine and then some time after that I can say I reached it whenever I do something productive within a day or a time period. Again, some time after that, peace is when I pour my emotions writing into my journal. But then, I questioned if I really achieved peace or is it just self-satisfaction.
What peace to me right now, is a clear mind, day and night, not worrying about stuff I don’t have any control of. It is accepting the fact that some days we lose and what matters is we tried. It is being happy despite everything you’ve gone and going through. It is being thankful to the people you lost and gain along the way of self discovery. It is being grateful of all the challenges you faced, whether you chose to have it in the first place or not.  It is the acceptance of a not perfect life but not giving up making it a good one. It is to think that everyday is God’s second chance for us to do something great and right. It is being humble during the times of triumph. It is the ability to help whenever and wherever you can.

Some people has not yet discovered what peace truly means to them, but along the way in this walk of life, we’ll encounter miracles that will lead us to what we are truly looking for.
Once more, peace is not something we, people, should chase. Peace is a choice, a decision, a gift which is why it is a great present we all should give to ourselves.

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DISCLAIMER: Photos not mine. No copyright intended.

Dear 2018

Dear 2018,

I seriously don’t know where or how to start, this year has been so tough for me but I still thank it anyways. It has been a year full of mishaps but I believe I am still blessed. I’m out of words, I don’t know how to put down everything that completes my entire year. Probably I want to start with thank you. Thank you 2018 for all the lessons I acquired, thank you for the friends I gained and still have, thank you for a forgiving, loving, and understanding family, thank you for my awesome friends. Thank you for the gift of love, thank you for the pain, thank you for the tears, thank you for that ride. It’s never beautiful but I guess it’s good. Thank you for the experiences, the memories, and the wisdom. Thank you for my accomplishments, my downfall, and my revival. Thank you for the challenges, emotionally, physically, and financially, it made me stronger than ever. I stick to that thinking that everything are my growing up necessities. Everything are the perfect ingredients to my life’s cooking.

Sorry for the hearts I broke and still breaking. Sorry self, for I still can’t grant you forgiveness. Sorry world for being selfish.

May we all continue to see the good in everything and everyone. May the faith we have continue to be strengthened. May we continue serving others whenever we’re capable. May we always be grateful for the abundance of blessings we receive everyday. May we never forget to pray whether our lives are in good shape or rumbling. May we learn not to depend on our own understanding of things and use His words as our guidance. May we overcome all the pain that’s coming our way. May we chose to smile while facing life’s uncertainties and unfairness. May we strive to be stronger than yesterday all the time. May we accept that it’s okay to breakdown, be weak, and ask for help.

I’m waiting for my life’s breakthrough this 2019 or on the next years. I will be patient and will work harder. With lots of love and full of faith, cheering that I, we, can make it.

 

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DISCLAIMER: Photos not mine. No copyright intended.

Life As I Know It

I just felt better after a terrible migraine and I have this need to type down my thoughts…

There’re these lines from one of my favorite singers during her interview I remember and my thoughts rumbled with it amidst migraine pain:

“Our mind is the devil’s playground”

“Our heart is God’s residence”

“God makes no mistakes”

Sometimes in our lives, we feel defeated by trials, we feel weak in the face of challenges, we feel so down whenever there are problems but isn’t it during these times we feel closer to God? This is the time where we realize how we are wrongly leading our lives using our own understanding of things so maybe, just maybe, it’s God’s way for us to pause and reflect. To stop the one playing our minds and let the One living in our hearts lead and guide us. When we make bad decisions and poor life’s choices, we often ask God why but then He makes no mistakes, probably those are necessary for us to understand things in a better way, in His way.

Most times we question life’s happenings without questioning our actions towards it like we rant about having a bad day without asking ourselves “Did I do something to make it better?”. We get mad over things we cannot change without looking at it on a different perspective like how we feel upset looking at our lives’ ugly aspects without appreciating it because that is who we are. We are too afraid of change without accepting that it is inevitable and the only constant thing in this world. We must not fear them, we must grow with them instead, it’s our response to it which will determine its outcome and we always hope for the positive one and even if we did not get the result we want, eventually we will come to realize that it must happen the way it did.

For life’s greatest lessons are learnt after a great mistake and life’s greatest challenge comes after a great success.

Slowly Learning

As I walk this journey of finding myself, there are life lessons I wanna keep. Today, I am…

Slowly learning that we have to accept life’s greatest trials to achieve its greatest changes. Slowly learning that crying is not a sign of weakness but an acknowledgement of pain. Slowly learning that mistake must not be used to define someone’s being. Slowly learning that pain, even if it is a negative emotion, is a blessing. Slowly learning that self-revival does not mean changing ones self but rather a step of self-betterment. Slowly learning that knowing you can love hard does not mean you can continue loving a wrong person. Slowly learning that letting go is a long process no matter how good you are as a person. Slowly learning that striving being the right one does not guarantee your place in someone’s life. Slowly learning that a lie, no matter how much we sugarcoat it, will always have a tragic ending. Slowly learning that those who truly matter won’t mind your mistake and even though they failed in saving you from it they will always stay with you. Slowly learning that we are all capable of hurting the people we held most dear. Slowly learning that not all things in life has a reason. Slowly learning that losing some people as we grow old is a growing up necessity. Slowly learning that no matter how far we go as long as we carry a bothered heart it will not make sense. Slowly learning that your capability to do the right thing won’t assure you the courage to do so. Slowly learning that doing everything for the person you love does not mean they can do the same. Slowly learning that self-respect is an ingredient of healing. Slowly learning that no deep wound can’t be mended. Slowly learning that our life’s battle scars are medals of triumph.

We must not forget that life is not a race, let us take it slowly day by day.

I am choosing Me

Each and every one of us has our fair share in committing mistakes and what’s more important than that is the lesson we learned from it. In one’s life, a multiple mistakes can be committed, but these must not become someone’s definition. A person is always more than his mistakes, his shortcomings, and his weakness. Sometimes, we opt to judge people right away by their wrongdoings, we tend to forget that we are wrongdoers ourselves. Again, let the lesson we learned from it be bigger and use it to start anew.

I, myself, have committed mistakes. Some of it I chose by my own and some of it happened when I didn’t have a choice. The latter hurts more as it will require self-revival, you will question your self-worth and you may deny yourself some good in life however one beautiful thing about this is self-rediscovering and undergoing metamorphosis wherein you will have the need to start over and renew yourself. First few days were tough, your thoughts will be full of agony, there will be endless cries and the pain will seem unstoppable, it will demand to be felt, that’s what pain is. There will be times you will crush yourself with all the unanswered questions but keep in mind that not knowing everything is better and most times beneficial. Let’s learn to keep beautiful things beautiful, no matter how tragic it became, believe me it will lessen the pain. Letting go of what hurts when you’re in the process seems not doable but then again trust the process and eventually you’ll find yourself naturally doing it. One of the hardest part is self-forgiveness, this will take time and will require strong faith. I haven’t forgive myself yet, I still think I don’t deserve the abundant love I am receiving. But I am trusting the process that one day I will come to realize that I deserve this forgiveness. I want to hold on to that thinking that the Powerful One gave me this trial as He believe I can get through this and I want to believe that I can overcome this through Him.

I must admit I thought of giving up because the pain is excruciating and that is so not me, good thing there are LOTS OF PEOPLE who never gave up on me, the One used them for me to pull myself together and go on with life. And then, I truly go on. Little by little, the strong me is emerging again and I am so glad to have her again. Piece by piece I will put myself back together because now I am choosing me.

This is me… now!

I don’t know how or where to start…

But I know I have to, and for sure I will, somewhere along the way, I can’t be the only one having a paused life due to this mess I am in. One thing I proved with what I went through is that Love is very powerful. Too powerful that it can change your life in a snap and it can change you in one beat. And I will never wish anyone the same feeling I have now when truth and reality hits back. I used to be a strong independent woman and I want to believe that I still have her in me, I know I just got to find her and I do wish I find her soon. This amount of pain I have right now is life changing, hopefully soon becomes an eye-opener. Right now, I don’t wanna feel anything, I just want to go elsewhere no one knows me. I want to regain my worth, my being, my peace.

I never regret any decisions I made because that what keeps me alive all this time. Though life’s slapping me that that love is fake, I wanna believe it isn’t. My laughs and smiles were all genuine, my happiness was so true, my feelings for him was not a lie. My promises were my truth… at that time.

I know I can’t go on without letting go… and that’s my current destination. I will wander this road of reality, finding and forgiving me, and self-revival. I owe myself peace of mind because right now it is chaotic. I am too scared… too scared that I will have the courage to give up. To just end it. But my end of string is held by Someone so powerful. More powerful than everything I am going through, I have to keep my faith alive because that’s the only thing that keeps me going right now. I don’t deserve comforting words from people who tried saving me from this situation, I don’t deserve understanding from those who truly and unconditionally loved/love me, I don’t deserve the goodness and kindness. All these things fired up the guilt in me, that if only I remain the kind of person I was before he confessed, I won’t feel too small and unworthy of all the good in life now.

Please accept that this is me… now. I need healing and I need time.

Not Having the Will to Live

Through this article I want to share my thoughts about how depression eats up a person’s will to live.  It is very true that depression has no face, a person can still joke, smile, & laugh even, through this state of mind. Not that the person is so strong that he can still do these but it is a way of escape. Escaping harsh reality that depression makes living a chore and something that you can get tired of. One common effect of depression is suicide and it breaks my heart  to know that some people think death is an answer rather than a penalty.  It is a penalty for me, penalty for the one who commits it and to those who will be left behind. Think about how worthless a person feels when he lost someone so special to suicide, how much pain he will bear knowing that he can’t save a life, regretting a minute, an hour, or a day he should spent with the person instead of other things no matter how important that thing is. Life is hard, let us accept that but it is not always like that, just like a wheel it has ups and downs but it will stay down if you choose to stop, so don’t ever stop, keep on driving.

Believe me, I know that it is easier said than done just like love advises which you kept saying to your friends but so hard for you to follow. But right now, I aim to save someone, someone who feels like this world isn’t the place to live, someone who is a pin away from giving up, and someone who is slowly dying inside.

For those people who feels like you don’t belong here, who feels like you are carrying this world alone, whose thoughts kept on yelling GIVE UP!, someone who simply feels alone, you’ve got a friend in me, let me remind you that our life is a gift and we do not throw away gifts no matter how much we hate it. Keep on moving forward, not for anyone but for yourself. You deserve better and do not seek it from anybody, find it in yourself. Sometimes, when we feel alone, let’s just look for that someone inside us capable of making us happy, find Joy inside you which is full of Sadness. And if everything is still heavy despite your effort, lift it up to Someone much greater than all of us. I know this is a cliché, but the greater One won’t give us something we cannot triumph on, let’s just learn to fight and to always move forward.

Lastly, do not be ashamed to cry out for help, maybe a lot will ignore you but appreciate someone, even if it is only one, who will reach out. No one knows what you are going through unless you speak up. Let people help you. Let us help you. Together, let’s put an end to the idea that suicide is the key to all BS of this life.

 

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DISCLAIMER: Photos not mine. No copyright intended.